If I Can't Have YOu
by Shalafi
Summary: erm... Touya Yue ANGST! what can get better than that! hehe


If I can't have you

Shalafi

Okay, ha… my first chapter… took me long enough to write it… damn, hope you like it all… PG-13 for Touya's very picky choice of words, cursing, that is. Nothing bad, really, not if I can't help it. I am very good in writing yaoi… This is mostly Touya/Yukito, Touya/Yue… hmmm…. Some of them might kiss…. But not in this chapter yet, maybe later… when I'm in the mood… right now, I need to be reeaaallyyy hyper for yaoi to write really juicy yaoi scenes, so till then… ja!!! Yeah, and tell me what you think of the story…. So don't forget to review! I look forward to it! No review, no continuation… how am I supposed to know that someone actually reads this if no one reviews? I'll be wasting my time uploading this if no one really likes this, might as well feed this to the dogs…

_If I can't have you, can I just hold you in my arms?_

_Can I be human, just to tell you I want you?_

_So that after all this, I can be free…_

_If you don't want to be with me.._

**Chapter 1: My Visit and A Dilemma**

The sky was clear, full of stars. There was a soft wind that blew, making the leaves rustle softly. The moon shone high in the sky, so bright and full.

A figure floated across the moon, its wings spread, flying in mid air. He liked flying in these times, when the moon was high and he could get all the energy he wanted.

He felt so powerful.

Powerful.

Yes, powerful, in the sense that he could go out unsensed by people, when his powers were at his fullest… but he was not as powerful as he thought he might be.

He slowly flew down to one of the houses below. He gazed into his mistress' bedroom. There she lay, blissfully asleep. She didn't have that for a good amount of nights now, and he felt a little happy for her.

It was also in these times that he'd like to go and visit the people he knew, not that he knew much. And there laid his mistress, asleep with the other guardian, who was beside her also in a deep slumber… well, you can't also forget the little sleep ramblings and snores that came from him.

Laughter…

A sound came from the window of the other room. He wanted to fly away, escape and dare not his curiosity overwhelm him. But it seemed too inviting. He couldn't resist peeking to find out what was inside the other room.

The light was on, and there were many notebooks and books that lay around. Then he saw the two figures in the room, one was on the bed, and the other on the floor. But his eyes rested on the dark haired male, the older brother of his mistress. His eyes had that usual glow as he remembered it. He was explaining something to the smaller man who was on the floor. His other half, no---WAS his other half. After Eriol, Clow's reincarnation granted the body for him, he and him were now two separate people, living two separate lives. But yet, he didn't want to be NOT 'him'. He didn't want separate lives… and there was a reason for that.

"Yue?" a voice called. He awoke from his reverie and froze. Was he there too long? He poised himself to fly and escape, but the person held his hand. He cursed himself for staying too close to the window. He tugged himself from his grasp, but he was too weak, and he said he was powerful…

"Yue…" the voice called again. Yue sighed in defeat and he slowly turned towards the man but he didn't forget to place on his 'cold stare™'. He was now face to face with Touya, it seemed that Yukito wasn't inside the room.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. His voice was most gentle, but he could see the inquisition in it.

"I was checking the mistress..." he said coldly, making sure his eyes didn't meet Touya's deep brown ones.

"She's fine." Touya answered. There was a sound from his bedroom door and Touya looked over behind him.

"Who's there, To-ya?"

It was Yukito; in his hand was a tray that carried a plate of rice pudding and two glasses of juice. He placed it to one of the empty tables and walked over to him.

"Yue-san!" he gasped in surprise, he hadn't expected to see him.

"Please do come in!" he invited opening the window fully. Yue took a glance at Touya who hadn't said anything. Taking Yukito's invitation, he slowly slid into Touya's bedroom. His room was simple; there was a bed that was apparently filled with books, a dresser which held a good amount of cologne and after shave gels and two bedside tables on either side of his bed.

"Would you want to sit down?" Yukito offered, taking out a wooden stool over to him. He was still hovering above the ground and he noticed that the two was looking up at him. He gladly took the chair, and sat on it, crossing his legs.

The two other men eyed him curiously. It was really rare to see him up this close. Especially for Yukito, who only saw him a few times since their separating and from the videos Sakura's friend showed him.

Touya noticed the awkward silence that was in the room and struggled to make out a conversation.

"Ah... um, Yue-san, eh... um..." he started. Yukito shifted his gaze to his best friend, who was apparently stumbling over with words.

Yue looked over at him amusedly, it was a rare thing to see Touya unable to say things straight.

"Thank you for agreeing your split with Yuki." He finally got out. Yue gaped at him in shock, but that of course was never visible on his cold mask.

"It was what the mistress could have also wanted; she does fancy Tsukishiro-san, after all." He managed to answer. If he had the choice though, he couldn't ever have wanted to separate with Yukito, he would be giving up some really precious things while being 'in' him.

He could see through Yukito's eyes, and feel through his hand, and he missed it so terribly the feel of Touya's warm touch, although he did know that he was just feeling WITH Yukito. And it was Yukito that Touya wanted, he was nowhere in the picture. Touya gave up his powers for Yukito's sake, he only came in the package. He must even hate him, for using up his Yuki's energy to live, almost letting him vanish in the air. But yet, he also had to thank him, he was the reason that Yukito was ever living at all. A body that Yue used to disguise himself as human, as Keroberos disguised himself as a stuffed toy.

"Well, I better get going, it is pretty dark outside and it's starting to rain." Yue said, rising from his chair.

"I do suppose so, it was good seeing you, Yue-san." Yukito replied, his eyes moving to Touya's window; the wind had the curtain flowing freely.

"I better excuse myself now."

He moved towards the window and paused for a moment, he glanced back at the two boys who were watching him leave.

"Goodbye." He simply said, and with that, he jumped out of the window, spreading his wings to its whole span. A feather fell from his wings and it wavered softly before it finally landed to the ground.

"Yue…"

The room was in a total silence for a few seconds before Touya stood up to close the window.

"Yue was right, it is raining. Why don't you just stay over for tonight, Yuki?" Touya asked, looking over at Yue's figure that slowly disappeared in the horizon.

He turned to his best friend who started eating the rice pudding, stuffing HUGE spoonfuls of it in his mouth.

"Well?"

Yuki cleared his throat slowly, placing his hand in front of him, telling Touya to wait. Touya sweat dropped looking over at Yukito, placing two more spoonfuls into his mouth then clearing it away with the juice.

"It's okay for me, but are you sure it's all right?" he said after finally gulping down the food he had just taken.

"Oh sure," he replied, "it's not like their not used to you sleeping over here. You could use one of my old pajamas." He threw him one of his outgrown pajamas and went over to him to take his glass of juice.

"Oh yeah, I kinda ate the whole plate, sorry…" he confessed sheepishly. Touya noticed the empty plate of rice pudding, and placed the empty glass down.

"Oh well, I have to live with it." He said simply, gathering the used plates and glasses.

"I'll just put this downstairs, could you fix the room for me?" he asked as he headed for the door.

Yukito nodded as he started on taking the books from the floor.

Yue rested his head on the cave wall, hearing the soft sound that the rain made when it splashed to the ground. After the thing that happened to him and Yukito, he had been staying in caves or in tree branches. He couldn't bring himself to ask his mistress to stay in her house, after all, Keroberos was there too. And they haven't asked about it, so he just dismissed ever asking.

It was already morning and Touya was awakened by Sakura's jumping from the other room. He rolled over from his bed, trying to get the sleepiness out of his head.

"Oooh, Sakura's rushing to school again." Touya grumbled.

He had no morning classes today, thanks to his very ingenious way of class planning. But eventhough, he still had a morning job, which he had to go to in twenty minutes before he gets fired.

Yukito was still sleeping on a futon that Touya prepared for him (but if you ask me, it was better if they slept together in his bed!! Hee!). It would have been a shame to wake him up in his peaceful slumber, but yet again, he had classes to attend to.

"Yuki… Yuki… wake up." He mumbled softly, nudging him on his arm.

"I still want to sleep…" Yukito grumbled then turned over, facing his back on Touya.

Touya grunted in annoyance, Yukito was very hard to wake up. But then, there is always something that makes him wake up.

Touya smirked and lowered his head on Yukito's ear.

"Yuki-chan… otou-san cooked REALLY yummy pancakes this morning…" he whispered softly, just enough for the sleeping Yuki to hear.

The statement made any 'Yuki-chan' wake up and snap to reality, and Touya had proved this theory right again.

"Pancakes?" he questioned, his eyes suddenly snapped open, as if he never slept at all.

"I dunno, I just made that up to wake you." Touya smirked, folding his arms to his chest looking amusedly at his ever food-loving friend.

"oh…"

Yukito's eyes drooped again hearing Touya's answer. Upon seeing this, Touya hurried for another 'pancake attack'.

"But I could make some, if I want…" Touya said, then slowly headed for the door, anticipating for Yukito's response. Sure enough, Yukito stood up immediately and followed him.

"Oh, really? Then can you make some for me? ." Yukito pleaded.

Touya tried to stifle a laugh, Yuki was so cute with all the 'puppy-dog-eyes-pouting-mouth-combo' that he had on.

"Ok, but you have to get ready, you still have your calculus, ya'know…" Touya answered simply, then walked downstairs only to be bumped by a very rushing Sakura.  

"HOEE!! I'm late! I'm late!!" she screamed almost all of Tomoeda could hear.

"Mornin' kaijuu, same as always, huh?" he teased, getting a don't-you-call-me-kaijuu glare. He couldn't help but laugh.

"And it's not going to help if you keep on glaring at me, I don't melt, Kaijuu!" he said, straining his voice on the last word. Sakura steamed out of the room stomping her feet.

"Bye, Kaijuu! Don't forget it's your turn to cook today!!" he called out before he disappeared to the door.

He heard a faint 'I'm not a kaijuu' answer then a string of curses.

"Yeah, right…" he mumbled, taking the flour from the cupboard.

"Hey…" Touya greeted.

He placed his bag beside Yukito and sat beside him. He had just arrived from work, and saw Yukito still eating his lunch.

"Hey, remember we have botany today…" he reminded him, Yukito could only nod… his mouth was full.

Yuki gulped down his food and looked over at Touya who was amused at the sight of him gulping down a whole plate of food.

"Oh yeah, the Professor asked us to bring a sample plant, did you bring?" Yukito asked when his mouth was finally free of food.

"Shit, I forgot. To hell with working in flower shops…" he cursed, making his friend raise his eyebrow at him.

"What's with the language?" he asked.

"Ah fuck, I'm sor—Aww,shi--… ok shut up now…"he clamped his mouth shut fearing more of curse words would come from his mouth. He was so supposed to apologize for saying such things only to say more of the cuss words.

"Man, can't help it…" he finally said, he stood up and began pacing the floor.

"What are you doing?" Yukito inquired, packing his empty lunchbox back to his bag.

"Looking for any plant life in this dump of soil…" he answered annoyingly.

"Well, it might help that the area that you are searching for is barren of any kind of life at all." Yuki pointed out.

Touya straightened himself, it indeed was just a dump of lifeless soil.

"But isn't there a forest behind the school, I'm sure it will be full of plant life, it isn't called a forest if it is without any plants at all…"

"True… True…" the gray-haired boy mused.

It was dark, the canopies were high and were obscuring the sunlight that could have helped them get any suitable plant that was smaller than them or at least that wouldn't require a battalion of men to carry it to the class room.

"Just pick out any reed, Yuki, and let's get out of here, were getting deeper and deeper into the forest…" Touya grumbled, regretting his idea of ever coming into the forest.

"Yes, To-ya, that if we can ever find a reed smaller than two times of you…" Yuki retorted and went back on scouting on the ground.

"And I think that we missed our botany class already…" Touya continued, getting Yuki's attention.

Yukito looked over at his watch…

"Oh…" he gasped, "We've been here for almost two hours already!"

He stood up from his crouching position and looked at Touya worriedly, "We did miss our botany class."

Touya let out an exasperated sigh, "Finally we're going out from this darkness…"

Yukito gave him an inquisitive look, "But I thought you were the one who suggested the forest to be a place rich of plant life?"

Touya shrugged, "Well, it is actually, but it just seems all plant life had been fed with super growing fertilizer that even mushrooms look like sequoia trees."

Yukito chuckled. "Then we better be going to the classes we still have…" he said, walking over to a direction.

"Ei, Yuki, the school is this way…" Touya called, Yukito turned and glanced at Touya confusingly.

"But I am sure that we came from this way…" Yukito stated.

Touya shook his head vehemently, "It's this way." He insisted, pointing at another direction which he claimed was the right way.

"To-ya, stop teasing around, I KNOW it's this way…" Yukito chuckled, dismissing Touya's joking attempts (as what he claim it to be) and started walking again in his direction.

"Yuki! I sure as hell am not joking; I am fucking sure that this is the right way, so stop shitting around…"

The snow bunny stopped hopping and winced by his best-friend's choice of words. Okay, so he was not joking around. But he was extremely certain that this was the right, and his best friend was asserting otherwise.

"To-ya?" the snow bunny, in his most faint voice, asked.

"WHAT?" came Touya's reply, his annoyance utterly visible in his voice.

"Do you think that we are lost?"

Silence.

Touya contemplated on the thought.

And more silence.

"To-ya?" Yuki, once again, called. Touya's eyebrows were furiously knitted together, his face in deep thought.

"No, because this way the right way to school…" Touya stated.

"Demo…Are you sure?"

"Damn, Yuki! I am sure!"

Yukito shrugged, "Okay, maybe I just lost track, I was too busy looking for plants."

Yukito walked over to him, and placed his hand on his arm.

"Yeah, you must have…"

"Eto… To-ya, I think we passed through here already…"

"Eh? Yeah, we did, I think we had a wrong turn somewhere…"

Silence.

The leaves rustled.

"Eh? What was that?"

"Must have been the air…" Touya replied.

Another rustle.

"Do you think that there might be bears or something here in this forest, To-ya…" his voice faltered in the end.

Sure enough, Yukito wasn't exposed that much to danger, most of the times, his other self would come and face it. Maybe the greatest danger that Yuki had ever encountered was to cook an over sized fish on a pan bubbling with boiling oil.

 "Shh…  be silent…" Touya instructed, pressing his finger on his lips.

They stopped walking, Touya's eyes, turned to slits, looking out for some wild boar or something, searching for a meal…

Silence.

Nothing was there.

"It was just the air, Yuki… c'mon, we have to get going…"

Another rustle, more this time.

"Umm, I don't think the wind could do that, To-ya…"

Then, they heard the footsteps…

Slowly, oh so slowly, they turned to where the direction was coming from.

Touya had to fight to calm his pounding heart. Here they were, lost in a forest attacked by some wild beast.

And they saw their attacker…

Touya froze.

okay, Touya stay frozen, if they don't want you, you'll stay like that. All of you don't want our dear Touya-kun to stay frozen, ne? So you better get your keyboards clicking for my review…


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